Stages of Grief & Methods of Grief Support
By Sara Pitcher, LMHC
Grief is a stage of life that has a definitive starting point but, often, does not seem to have a true end. I usually fall back to the imagery that can be described as:
“Imagine you are standing on a rock with nothing around you. It feels lonely and possibly scary. This is the beginning stage of grief. Then slowly, life has the opportunity to grow around you and that boulder of grief and you have more space to move around. This is another stage. Then the grief is later acknowledged but hasn’t changed its location or size/intensity. This is the final stage.”
This imagery is with the understanding that grief processing is not a linear process and it has a timeline that is completely individualized. Grief processing can be influenced by the expectancy of the loss, by the security of the relationship, and by the support system provided. The developmental process of grief begins with a life-altering loss and can be noted as entering a final stage when grief feels more of a comfortable norm.
The early stage of grief is onset within the earliest weeks of loss and can feel as if one’s own identity has been stripped of them. It can feel that the impossible has happened and feeling disconnected from reality is common. Self-care can be difficult during early stages of grief due with signals including a lack of emotional regulation, negligence of sleep and diet, spirituality and faith can be questioned, and social interactions are minimal. Within this stage of grief, mourners are often seeking connection to those who feel similarly in order to accurately express their array of emotions that can be misunderstood if outside of the grieving process. This is a crucial time for mourners' emotions to be accepted and acknowledged to prevent feeling isolated from their once “normal” world. When a mourner is met with empathy and acceptance there is an increased capability for compassionate self-acceptance and self- awareness. It is not uncommon for the questions of why and how to come up frequently even if the death was expected. The most critical needs of this time are to be heard, identified, and show compassion in order to regulate emotions and have a sense of containment.
The middle stage of grief occurs months after the loss when mourners are more willingly able to acknowledge the permanence of the loss and longing for their loved one. The critical question asked is “Where do I locate my loved
one?”.
In this stage, there can be a struggle with their longing for which can result in restlessness, anxiousness, and panic. The mourner's sense of security can be questioned when unable to locate their loved one. At times, it can be difficult to access the mourner's connection in such a way that restores their sense of attachment security to their loved one. The mourners support system can be available to provide validation of the need for an ongoing presence of the deceased and understanding the need to maintain the bond between mourner and deceased. It is within this period when finding positive methods of connection through talismans, imaginal dialogues through letter writing, telling stories, photographs, and other memorializations can reframe the loving connection.
The final stage of grief focuses on reconstructing. Mourners are faced with the task of asking themselves who they are without their loved one and question how to create a meaningful life without their loved one. It is a time to reflect on who they were before the loss, who they are now throughout their grieving process, and who they will become in the future. The narrative is unwritten and unexpected which often leads to seeking support for who they will become.
Whether permission is implicitly offered and explicitly received it allows the mourner to reorder their priorities, to consider new values, and acknowledge newly acquired strengths. A notable feature in this stage is one’s deepening compassion for others who may be suffering. Directed journaling with a focus on grief can help to reflect on newly developed beliefs, focus on areas of growth, and create a positive relationship to grief.
Grief is not meant to be understood as a set stages but as a transition from needs, experiences, and making meaning. It is a process unique to each individual's life experiences and attachment to the deceased.
If you are experiencing grief, no matter what stage you are at, we are here to help. We offer both individual and group counseling for grief. Both options can help you to feel less alone in your grief. Call us today to schedule a free 15 minute consultation and to learn more.
